It all started when I was 15, when I started to feel fat and ugly. I also had hypothyroidism, but I didn't know it at the time. I started gaining weight, locking myself up in my room with all the lights turned off, and I hated myself. After about about two years, I gained 30kg. So, I decided to do a gastric by-pass surgery because I was fat and I hated myself for being fat. That is when I discovered that I had hypothyroidism, and I was still fat when I got medicated, so I did the surgery anyway. I did feel better after, I don't know if my depression back then was a symptom of hypothyroidism, but it disappeared. I was fine again.
About three months ago, it started coming back to me. I never stopped feeling empty, but I did stop hating myself. I have learned so much for a 15. I grew. I know that it is not okay to think of suicide and killing others. But lately, all I could think about is death. I know that I am depressed, because this time it is even worse than before. I tried to blame it on my hypothyroidism again, but my tests were positive. So this time, it's just depression. It is even harder because I am a person who would never hurt any creature, except bugs, I hate bugs. To have these thoughts in my mind, that the death of certain people would make my life better. That my death would stop my suffering. I am now scared of myself, I am scared that I might actually hurt myself if I don't get help. I am also scared for myself, because I still have little hope in me that I might get a chance at happiness if I do something about it.