streetllights (streetllights) wrote in manic,

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hello! i'm streetlights. i'm 18 and i have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. i was diagnosed in spring 2014. i was depressed throughout my childhood but had my first manic episode when i was 13. i won't go into the details of it, firstly in case i trigger anyone, and secondly because i dissociated a lot and can't remember great chunks of it. i wasn't given a diagnosis because of my age, but i was given lamotrigine, which i'm still on today, and fluoxetine, which made me rapid-cycle so was stopped quickly.

the worst part of my illness is the depressive psychosis. it's truly terrifying, and you have no sense of hope. you're paralysed, often literally - your awareness moves to your stomach and becomes heavy and dense like lead and you can't get out of bed. the hospital i was in once would pull the duvet off me to try to get me up and once they knocked me out of bed like that and i couldn't move from the floor. the shadow people are worst for me when i'm depressed - they are monolithic, immovable threatening entities. everything, in fact, is worse for me when i'm depressed.

i'm almost always psychotic on some level. i'm on abilify maintena, hoping to switch to abilify tablets in a few months, but i still have things that aren't quite right every day. i don't mind. i feel that harmless psychosis has made me a better, more experienced person.
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