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Manic Depression's Journal
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Date:2015-05-02 13:29

hello! i'm streetlights. i'm 18 and i have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. i was diagnosed in spring 2014. i was depressed throughout my childhood but had my first manic episode when i was 13. i won't go into the details of it, firstly in case i trigger anyone, and secondly because i dissociated a lot and can't remember great chunks of it. i wasn't given a diagnosis because of my age, but i was given lamotrigine, which i'm still on today, and fluoxetine, which made me rapid-cycle so was stopped quickly.

the worst part of my illness is the depressive psychosis. it's truly terrifying, and you have no sense of hope. you're paralysed, often literally - your awareness moves to your stomach and becomes heavy and dense like lead and you can't get out of bed. the hospital i was in once would pull the duvet off me to try to get me up and once they knocked me out of bed like that and i couldn't move from the floor. the shadow people are worst for me when i'm depressed - they are monolithic, immovable threatening entities. everything, in fact, is worse for me when i'm depressed.

i'm almost always psychotic on some level. i'm on abilify maintena, hoping to switch to abilify tablets in a few months, but i still have things that aren't quite right every day. i don't mind. i feel that harmless psychosis has made me a better, more experienced person.

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Date:2015-04-12 22:04
Subject:going through hell

I am a severe bipolar 1 with rapid cycling as well as severe anxiety and ptsd. I have recently been experiencing increasing manic symptoms. Yesterday it came to a head. I spent all of my money and cheated on my boyfriend. I dont even remember. He left me of course and im in so much pain and self loathing. I love him so much, we had even been discussing marraige. I dont know what to do. My mother committed suicide last year. The second person in my family to do so. Now im broke and homeless and heartbroken. I never meant to hurt him i love him so much

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Date:2014-12-27 02:31
Subject:Bipolar Type 2 diagnosis


I don't know if this is the right place to ask this, but I don't have anyone else I can ask?
Essentially I have Bipolar type 2 and have had this confirmed by my Psychiatrist. I have had various incorrect diagnoses and ignoring the problem all together for over 8 years including 2 suicide attempts.
But recently I have been given the opportunity to decide whether or not I actually officially have this diagnosis. I am already on the right medication and am in 1 to 1 therapy (although still got a far while to go before being in 'remission'). So I am unsure if having the diagnosis would be a help or hindrance?
There is one part of me that thinks I have had to fight so hard to get help especially the correct help that I should accept it and that fundamentally I shouldn't have to hide who I am after years and years of trying to hide my struggles. Not to mention how much easier it makes it to explain to those who are close (having only told a few people) to me what is going on.
But on the other side I would really like to go into working in adult mental health and eventually train as a clinical psychologist, and I know that there is still huge bias against mental health conditions in the work industry and my psychiatrist even confirmed its still very much present in the mental health industry. So is it worth having a diagnosis when I already have the correct treatment and it could potentially prevent me from a career I really want and know I would be good at.
So my question is, do you think I should take the diagnosis or leave it as unofficial?

Sarah-Rebecca x

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Date:2013-11-06 20:47
Subject:age limits? nah.

Depression knows no age.
It all started when I was 15, when I started to feel fat and ugly. I also had hypothyroidism, but I didn't know it at the time. I started gaining weight, locking myself up in my room with all the lights turned off, and I hated myself. After about about two years, I gained 30kg. So, I decided to do a gastric by-pass surgery because I was fat and I hated myself for being fat. That is when I discovered that I had hypothyroidism, and I was still fat when I got medicated, so I did the surgery anyway. I did feel better after, I don't know if my depression back then was a symptom of hypothyroidism, but it disappeared. I was fine again.
About three months ago, it started coming back to me. I never stopped feeling empty, but I did stop hating myself. I have learned so much for a 15. I grew. I know that it is not okay to think of suicide and killing others. But lately, all I could think about is death. I know that I am depressed, because this time it is even worse than before. I tried to blame it on my hypothyroidism again, but my tests were positive. So this time, it's just depression. It is even harder because I am a person who would never hurt any creature, except bugs, I hate bugs. To have these thoughts in my mind, that the death of certain people would make my life better. That my death would stop my suffering. I am now scared of myself, I am scared that I might actually hurt myself if I don't get help. I am also scared for myself, because I still have little hope in me that I might get a chance at happiness if I do something about it.

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Date:2013-03-28 12:28
Subject:Thought I'd post my latest diary entry as my first post

Trigger warning. Read at your own risk

I was 16 when I did my first cut. I was a college freshman and I could still remember the situation- it was a chemistry class, I've failed several quizzes in a row and had no idea how to pass the next quizzes either. I was feeling low, desperate, frustrated. I needed control. I felt like I was breaking down, that my whole world was falling apart. I could feel the need to just scream at everything to fall back into place.

But nothing.

Nothing ever really did since then. So, I went home, feeling like the failure that I was, feeling the need to be punished for being such. I used a needle to scrape my skin. It stung, but it didn't draw blood. It looked so bright on my skin. It looked wrong, painful, beautiful. So I did it again, and again. It took a while before My seat mate started to notice. Not only the cuts, but my withdrawal as well. She called me a masochist. But I never stopped.

I passed the subject eventually, but cutting has already turned into a habit. I've always been easy to tick off. I've been in trouble multiple times for being quick to anger and to attack. This time, I drew that rage towards myself. I've learned to cut when I fail other people. Funny thing is I also cut when they fail me. Needles soon turned to razors, cutters, pocket knives. Cuts at one point became inadequate as well. I was burning, pill-popping, smoking, drinking. I was out of control and my world was spiraling towards even more failure. But I guess that was just inside my head because as broken as I felt inside, I was ok on the outside. Apart from the never healing wounds on my wrists and the occasional feats I have in school, I was still me. I was funny, motherly, average, functional. Little did they know, I've started thinking about suicide. I've stolen a bottle of aspirin from my uncle for safe keeping in case the world gets too much. I secretly took my grandma's pain medications when she broke her ribs, I was spending most of my allowance buying my self pain killers and antidepressants. I was popping 2 or 3 doses more than I need to. The self hate kept growing. At one point, I stared at the mirror and just saw a fucking pig. I starved myself after that. Literally hated food for a month. And when I felt like I wasn't losing enough, I ended up throwing up after binge eating. I had no idea who I was anymore. I felt like a ghost just floating through everyday without an ounce of drive to keep on living. I may have been breathing but I was dead. I still had the shallow cuts on my arms, now with the occasional ice burns and the way too many cuts on my thighs (my left arm was being to obvious and the space was no longer enough), I had mouth sores from all the purging, I lost 10-15lbs in a month, and my family said


They practically told me to keep dying and to keep suffering. So I did. Some people at school did notice: the smell of blood when I give into my urges as school, the cutters, pocket knives, my need for pills. They wanted to help, and a part of me wanted help. But they all said the same thing.


I mean, are you fuckin' mad? How could I stop that few things that keep me moving and prevents me from falling apart. I then realized, that though they may have good intentions, they just don't understand. Nobody probably ever would. I hid myself even more after that. At one point, I completely stopped cutting at my wrists in the desperation to keep my secret safe. I'd carved words on my thigh to remind me of stuffs like 'control', 'fat', 'ugly', 'loser', 'I want to die', and all those other shit that randomly pop into my head. My self loathe kept growing so as my hate for the rest of the world. I felt so alone, so different, so wrong. I could feel everybody's judging eyes on me: my flabby arms, my ugly elbows, my big pores, my dark eyes, my big tummy, my shapeless breasts, my hairy legs, my dirty feet. I was in constant distress about how I could hide everything. I couldn't trust anyone, I couldn't keep any friends, I was preoccupied with self destructive thoughts, I've completely given up on living.

A friend of mine, Precious probably got me more than anyone else I know. She's probably the one who successfully got closest to the truth. She knew the wrongness in my cutting but knew better than to take my only outlet away. It was senior year, college. 3-4years since I've started on this cutting shit. She gave me a journal and that was when I realized: there are no longer any good thoughts left in my head. I tried to write of something good, and ended up with nothing. So, the journal became my whining book. The place where my honesty could turn into something more than just jumbled thoughts. They were in paper. I had it for a couple of months,


Graduation day. No wonder everybody was acting weird. Why my parents were being too affectionate, why they notice my little, innocent looking scars, why my brother knew that Aspirin could be a tool for suicide. That night, my sister told me: they found my journal. And I still hate her for it. I'd probably be hating her for the rest of my life.

Because. Nothing has changed. I'm still the self destructive, pill popping, self injurer that I was 10 years ago. I guess the real question is


Yep, I feel alone. Too alone :(

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Date:2013-03-24 22:56
Mood: distressed

I have slowly been cutting back on my meds and tonight I cut out the last one,a sleep aid. I am a little worried but I think I will be ok. If any one has tips for sleeping with out meds please let me know.

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Date:2011-01-12 15:00

So I just joined this community the other day.

I finally accepted the fact that I have severe depression and anxiety.  I have been in denial about how bad it really is, because my family and friends have always said it wasn't as bad as i thought.  I convinced myself it is just a phase, and that I would grow out of it.
It;s been about three years since then.
Over the last couple of months I have relized that it IS bad.  Maybe worse.  I have never been suicidal before, but now I find those thoughts popping up in my head more and more.

So I just came on here see if I could finds friends, ppl that understand what this feels like, and ppl I could talk to about it. 
Thanks for listening

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Date:2010-10-18 00:40
Mood: cheerful

You can add me as a friend if you would like :-)

I would love to be able to communicate with people that can help me out with this thing called bipolar.  I would love to be able to help others also!!

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Date:2010-08-19 00:40

introCollapse )

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Date:2010-02-08 11:42
Mood: sad

That's really all I have the energy to say now.  You can look at my journal if you like.

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Date:2009-11-27 13:13
Subject:Going down that road again.

I think I am starting to go down that road of mania again. I can feel it in me I can feel it all around me. The mania rising like self righteous euphoria. I haven't been keeping up on my meds like I should, I am trying my best though. It's hard to resist this level of confidence and genius intellect though. I don't know what will happen. I am on that line between sane and insane.

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Date:2009-10-15 19:53
Subject:mixed state

 i am in the most horrid mixed state that has crossed the southern hemisphere!

good lord...i am as anxious as hell! and restless and irritable....

what do you do to make a mixed state more bearable?

did you learn things in therapy? because i have been in therapy and i actually never learnt how to deal with a state...i usually just ride it out!

i hope yall's are having a jolly old time :)

thank you :) 

(my internet is so slow its driving me insane)

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Date:2009-05-18 10:36

What do you guys do when you're manic - how do you handle it? I'm having a manic episode right now and am not sure how to control it. I never figured out how to control it. Therapy never helped. Any advice welcome. =(

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Date:2008-09-23 07:32
Subject:New Member

I'm 23, and was just diagnosed "bipolar" - "atypical" bipolar last month - but refuse to accept labels that attempt to define my mental state and personality. I was also diagnosed ADHD and with PTSD, from my childhood with an epileptic, schizophrenic/bipolar mother (the meds/electric shock treatment have erased her mania and made her strictly unipolar with schizophrenia). My current meds are 10mg daily of Abilify, 60mg a day of Cymbalta, 1mg a day of Xanax XR, and 30mg daily of Adderal XR. I'm also a gastric bypass patient as of 2/15/06 - and went from 265 pounds, obese for life, to struggling to keep myself above 100 pounds (pics under cut)

Under cut is the story of my life through my brothers' eyes. He is 19 now - a borderline personality with ADD - and was about 5 when my mother began to really unravel psychologically.

Under cut - trauma through a childs' eyes - written by my little brother as a "narrative essay" for a college english class

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Date:2008-08-14 18:24
Subject:manic can make you stupid

hay my name is jade
ive recently been diegnosed as bipolar, at first i didnt know what that ment, then they said its manic depression haha i thought manic ment extreme so i thought manic depression ment really depressed.

but it all made sence afer that,

when im low i wont want to do anything, get out of bed or even eat, if i do get out of bed ill just watch tv.
when im manic i do stupid things, really impulsive things like spend my last £5 on somthing stupid when i know i need somthing else.
when i was manic once i stole a bus, in those days they didnt have keys.
ive also suddenly decided to reorganise the whole house and once i delibritly broke my house mates fridge because i thought it was unfair he had his own and the rest of the house had one, so we would buy food that he would eat, but if he bought food it was HIS food.
so i found a way to make the fridge break without it looking like sabotauge.
i turned it upside down and made the liquid pour into the heater.
he didnt know why it broke but now he doasnt have a fridge, i found it really funny for a while but then i got depressed about it.

anyway thats basically me at the moment.
oh yeah once when i was manic it was 3am, me and some friends were drunk and at bournemouth beach and i decided i walk to swanage, which is about 10+ miles away, luckily my friends stopped me.

so yeah thats me, im 21 years old and an art student.

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Date:2008-08-14 02:03

Newbie, I thought I'd tell you a bit about myself, be prepeared for a long rantish about my life...

Okay, I think my deppression started when I was about twelve when my sister was bed bound for about a year because of chronic fatigue syndrome. She got pulled out of school and literally didn't even have enough strength to lift her arm she became really depressed and started self harming and was prescribed anti depressants. It really affected my families dynamic, my dad began working late (till about midnight) and my mum began drinking ALOT. I was so naive I didn't really think any thing of it. Until that fateful sunday evening. My mum told us she couldn't handle it and went upstairs and swallowed I think 27 blood pressure pills and a whole pack of her anti deppressants. Luckily I found her before it was too late and she was taen to hospital where she got treatment and then she went to rehab and came back home after about three months and is doing better. Do you want to know what really gets to me about this? My dad, mum, older sister and older brother were offered counselling but I wasn't, noone even asked me whether I was okay. Anyway on with my life. About a year later (I was about 14) I was doing better and was moderatley happy until this bitch came into our year group at school she used to pinch my hips and call me fattie and ugly so guess what I stopped eating. I am 5 ft 8 and over the course of about four years I was hospitalized three times and went to rehab once, my lowest weight was about 82lbs. I am currentley about 96 lbs and that is three years since I decided to change.

I suffer from Manic Depression (diagnosed by a doc)
Borderline personality disorder (Digonosed by myself)
and Anorexia with bulimic tendencies......

Feel free to drop me a line..

Anything you wanna know just ask.

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Date:2008-08-08 23:41

 one of my fears is that guys will back off if they know that i have manic depression. i think that they wont understand or they will think im crazy or something. i fucking hate this. why!? and then theres everyone else.....yes....the fucking FAMILY......those asshole family members who act like theyre all caring and nice when in fact they just pity you. i dont need that bullshit sympathy. and they dont talk about it thats whats worse. they pretend that they dont know. but they know. we all know. everyone knows. its just not talked about. it is the invisible carrot of the family. it is there,,,,,but people dont comment on it. and thats what kills. i have to be there smiling and acting all ladylike and shit like that and they are just watching me.....knowing it. i want to scream and hit someone !!!!!! i feel it. im malicious. the malice within me sometimes is too much to bear. im really such an angry person. i used to be depressed. now its just anger. just pure anger. but its calm. then it fumes up and it bursts. you can tell im a calm person even by the way i type, but i do have my ups and downs.

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Date:2008-07-18 13:49
Subject:I'm new.

[This was my original message, that I just closed out of because I chickened out posting it. but, maybe I should]

My "depression" probably began in the 6th grade, I was fat, unsociable, awkward, unmotivated, etc... pretty much anything you could not want to be- I was. 

point is I am now a 19 year old sophmore in college- and my once mild depression has turned into me "constantly" hating myself. I always want to die. 

I honestly can't even continue writing this because I feel like every word I type makes me sound like more of a worthless douchebag.

hopefully the people here will be supportive and eventually i can find the help I need.

Nice to meet you. 

Just a thought- even when I'm depressed- I hold everyone I feel needs help on a pedastal. If anyone ever needs anything- feel free to contact me. 

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Date:2008-07-17 01:54
Subject:bipolar me

 im just so sick of being bipolar....... its ruining my life. the memories i have...i have basically blocked so many of them out coz of how severe they were. i was manic at the time and did a lot of crazy things that i couldnt BELIEVE i did. they were SO embarrasing. they haunt me every day almost, and its been around two years ago. and i just cant forget. my memory is hazy but the feelings are so strong, still. i try not to think of details. but i have flashbacks. and i block them. yet i feel the pain more than ever. and i know what i did. and the problem is that i told some people about what i did thinking it will help me get over it, but oh YEAH SOME SUPPORT I GOT. i just embarrased myself even more. they just looked at me like a freak. and they have a right to. i mean i am one. i hate myself now. more than ever. i have no reason to love me. no one does. till when will i feel this way?!

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Date:2008-07-11 18:52
Subject:Women tired of the bullshit men bring plz come together and give each other advice on my page?

Hey for all the women unhappy with their boyfriends be/c hes an asshole and he doesn't have the clue to be a man and be that emotional support! Plz msg me or just plz plz go to my page and comment on the most recent comment and give advice to each other? So we might be able to find a way to be stronger together?

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my journal